it feels better biting down
by justimpolite
Summary: 'There's a brief moment of hesitation. This isn't Karma. This isn't a stranger at a carnival. This is a girl you think you may actually like, and she likes you back, and she's gently biting down on your bottom lip. So you thread your hand through her hair and pull her closer.' Amy attempts to move on with Reagan.


although not explicit, this fic contains some description of consensual sex between a 16 and 18 year old.  
>title taken from lorde's 'biting down'<p>

* * *

><p>You walk away from Karma because it's the right thing to do.<p>

You love her more than anything and you just want her to be happy. Ironically, you're the one thing that's stopping her from having that happiness.

So you walk away.

You still regret what you've done (you always will) and you still have your issues with Liam, but you feel a little differently about him after the party the other day, and he makes Karma happy, so you do what's right.

But fuck, if walking away doesn't break your heart all over again.

.

Shane drags you to some kind of underground rave a week or so later. You end up dragging Lauren along too, which is weird but you've both been down lately so you figured maybe it would be a good idea.

In the hours since you arrived, Lauren's disappeared and Shane has flirted shamelessly with the bartender and you've stood awkwardly in the crowd.

You try not to think about Karma, really, you do. But it's hard. You know you did the right thing, but seeing them together at school every day, fingers laced and faces close, isn't getting any easier. You sigh heavily, and take a large drink of whatever weird concoction Shane had forced into your hand with a wink earlier.

He appears at your side a few minutes later, nudging you in the side with a waggle of his eyebrows.

'So, having fun?'

'Oh yeah, tonnes,' you reply dryly.

'Amy, come on! Loosen up a little.'

'I'm as loose as I intend to be, thank you very much.'

'Karma's out having fun, so should you. The DJ beckons,' he says, with a nod to someone over her shoulder.

'What?'

'The DJ. You haven't noticed that she's been checking you out all night? God, you really are oblivious.'

You frown, turning to look in the direction Shane is motioning, only to spot the waitress from the Booker's party grinning at you from her place at the decks. Surprised, you raise your hand and wave lamely, regretting it immediately.

'See, instant connection!' Shane calls with a clap of his hands.

'I know her.'

'You do?'

'Yeah, she was working at Liam's the other day.'

'Even better! No need for introductions.'

'I don't even know her name.'

'Doesn't matter, look, she's coming over.'

You look again to see that he's right; having finished her set, the girl is heading over to the two of you.

'Well, that's my cue, give me all the details later.'

'Shane, don't-,' but he had already shot off into the crowd, leaving you to curse after him with no choice but to stay rooted to the spot.

'Hey, shrimp girl, fancy seeing you here.' She looks good, you note.

'Can you tell it's not my kind of thing?'

'I just meant that I didn't expect to run into you again anytime soon,' she says with a laugh.

'Oh, right. That would make sense.'

'Not here with your boyfriend,' she says with an exaggerated wink.

'Only if you're here with yours,' you reply, surprised at your own confidence.

She lets out a big laugh, running a hand through her hair in a way that kind of makes you want to run your hands through it too.

'Nicely played,' she replies, before sticking out her hand. 'I'm Reagan.'

'Amy,' you take her hand in yours giving it a light shake.

(Her hands are rougher than Karma's.)

'Amy. I like it even better than Shrimp Girl.'

'It's a little easier, I'll admit.'

'You're funny.'

You blanch a little at her bluntness. 'Uh, thanks.'

'Come on blondie, it's a good thing. I dig a chick with a sense of humour.'

'Has anyone ever told you that you're very forward?'

'Yep. But what's the point in stepping carefully around everything? Doesn't get you anywhere in the end. I say, jump in with both feet first. Speaking of, wanna dance?'

You're fairly sure that no, you don't want to dance, especially not here. But she's smiling you in a way that makes your heart pick up that extra little pace, and your fingertips tingle a little in exhilaration.

So you nod, take her hand, and jump in with both feet.

.

This is what you've learned about Reagan in the couple of weeks you've been spending time with her:

She's eighteen, taking a year off before maybe going to college next year.  
>She has a music collection bigger than any you've ever seen.<br>She drinks more coffee than you think any human probably should, but she can't function without it.  
>She has three older brothers.<br>She makes you forget about Karma.

Not that you could ever completely forget about Karma, but when you're with Reagan it's like everything's just that little bit lighter, and instead of thinking about Karma, or Liam, or Karma & Liam, you're thinking about how much Reagan makes you laugh, or how dark her hair is, or how sometimes you find yourself thinking about the tattoo on her hip late at night. (You noticed it one day when she yawned before her first coffee, stretching her arms, her shirt riding up a little.)

Nothing has happened between the two of you, not really. But you both know there's something there. You've seen each other a lot in the last couple of weeks, meeting up after you're done with school and on weekends.

Karma asked you where you were rushing off to after algebra one day, and you told her you were meeting Shane.

(That in itself should tell you that this means something.)

So when you're having coffee one day and you're mid-sentence, complaining about Hester's last ridiculous protest, and she leans across the table and kisses you, you're kind of not surprised.

There's a brief moment of hesitation. This isn't Karma. This isn't a stranger at a carnival. This is a girl you think you may actually like, and she likes you back, and she's gently biting down on your bottom lip.

So you thread your hand through her hair and pull her closer.

.

Soon enough it's going around school that, unlike Karma, Amy Raudenfeld is actually gay, and is dating some punk-looking, older girl.

You considered denying it, longing for the days when your personal life was just that, personal. But then Reagan comes to meet you one Friday afternoon, waiting for you by the gates, and you catch yourself grinning.

You pull her into a kiss and laugh at her bewildered expression when half the student body cheers on in the background.

.

Karma, you learn, is hurt that you didn't tell her about Reagan.

She comes over to you when you're stuffing your history book into your locker, tugging your arm and demanding your attention.

'Were you ever going to tell me?'

'You're right, sorry. Those jeans do make you look kind of short.'

'Amy.'

'What?'

'Were you going to tell me you were seeing someone?'

'Oh,' you pause. Were you? 'Uh, I guess. It just kind of slipped my mind.'

'It slipped your mind that you were kissing a girl on a regular basis?' You frown at the way she says it.

'No, I just didn't think that I would have to tell people. Especially here at Hester.'

'Yes, but I'm your best friend.'

'Why are you so bothered about this?'

'I'm not. I'm bothered that I had to find out from some kid in my English class, rather than my best friend.'

'I'm sorry,' you say after a moment, unsure of how to respond. 'I just figured you were busy with Liam.'

She tenses visibly at this, shoulders straightening and chin high.

'You know I'm never too busy for you.'

'Yeah,' you say lamely, scuffing the heel of your converse against the pavement.

Her eyes dart to just over your shoulder, and you know she's looking at the picture in your locker of you and Reagan that she took the other day, claiming all couples need a ridiculous 'lovey-dovey' locker photo.

(It had been the first time either of you had referred to yourselves as a couple and you had blushed.)

'She's pretty,' is all Karma says, before turning on her heel and heading to class.

Amy just watches her go.

.

You've been dating Reagan for over a month now.

You're both in your room and while the plan had been to watch a movie, you find yourself pinned beneath her as she kisses you long and slow.

This isn't a rare occurrence, you've taken part in countless make out sessions, but this is different, and you both know it.

Your mom and Bruce are out for the night and Lauren's on a date with Theo, and you're alone in your room, on your bed, with your girlfriend.

She's placing hot kisses on your neck, moving along your collar bone, along your jaw, before returning to your mouth. Your hands have been toying with the hem of her shirt, and you find the confidence to slip them up along her back, gently raking your nails along her spine.

She pulls back, looking you seriously in the eyes. She doesn't ask anything, she doesn't have to, but you know what she's trying to say. You nod breathlessly, chewing on your lower lip nervously.

'I'm sure,' you whisper.

'Have you-,' she trails off, placing a soft kiss on your jaw.

'Not with a girl,' you say honestly. 'Not when it's meant anything.'

'Will this mean something to you?'

'It'll mean everything.'

'Okay.'

Then her lips are on yours again and it's a little rougher, more urgent. You open your mouth against hers and feel your tongues meet. Her hands work on unbuttoning your shirt whilst you have one hand in her hair, the other in her back pocket.

It's nothing like it is with Liam. It's not even that it was bad with him. It just didn't feel right. Sure, you were both drunk, but regardless of that, it was quick and hard, as if it was going to get rid of the anger you both felt.

Reagan is gentle and caring, and it still manages to be the most alive you've ever felt.

There's a brief moment where you wonder what Karma's doing right now. If she's with Liam, doing the exact same thing as you. You feel a second of hot jealously burning in the pit of your stomach, but then Reagan is smiling against your bare thigh and you whimper a quiet, 'fuck' into the air.

She spends the rest of the night making you feel more loved than ever before.

.

'Something's different,' Shane says on Monday, eyeing you suspiciously as he pops a carrot stick into his mouth.

'New jacket?' Liam suggests. It's still a little weird, this truce you have going on, but you appreciate that he tries.

'No, it's not that,' Shane replies. 'Something's changed, but I can't quite put my finger-'

'Amy and Reagan fucked,' Lauren says, flipping disinterestedly though her magazine.

You choke on your sandwich, Liam offering you an awkward pat on the back whilst Shane's eyes light up with glee.

'I should have known!'

'Lauren?!' You hiss, glaring at the other girl.

'What? Oh please, don't tell me you were trying to be discrete. You were covered in hickeys all weekend, and you do realise we share a bathroom, right?' She shudders.

You feel your face going red as you try to evade Shane's line of very detailed questioning.

'How was it? Was it good? How many orgasms? No wait, let me guess.'

'Shane, dude, don't be gross. She clearly doesn't wanna talk about it.'

You shoots Liam a thankful look, which leads to you inevitably making eye contact with Karma, who has been tucked into the boy's side throughout lunch.

For the last twelve years you've prided yourself on being able to know exactly what Karma's thinking just by looking at her. That's the kind of relationship people who have been friends for as long as the two of you have. But lately you've been finding it a lot harder, and as you look into her eyes now, you have no idea what she's feeling.

She's staring back at you silently, mouth slighted partly, and at first glance you thought it looked like her lower lip was trembling. Before you have time to try and figure it out, she's taking a deep breath and lifting her lunch tray as she stands.

'I have to go. Drama club stuff,' she says, and you all watch as she all but throws her tray into Irma's arms, rushing out of the cafeteria.

Liam slings his bag over his shoulder, shooting them one last look before following after his girlfriend.

'She does know she didn't get into the Drama club, right? Weird,' Shane says with a shake of his head, before turning his attention back to you. 'So I guess you got a good look at that tattoo now, huh? Trust me, hip tattoos are the best kind.'

Shane raises his eyebrows crudely as Lauren pretends to gag, and you stare at the cafeteria doors swinging shut after Karma and Liam.

(You see them arguing by the art room after school. You walk the other way.)

.

You're at Karma's house a few days later after her parents invited you over for dinner.

Karma's parents know that Karma is dating Liam now. It took them a little while to get used to it, and they still see Amy as a daughter, but in the end they just want their little girl to be happy.

Things are different between you; strained almost. You don't talk about it, but it's not as easy to be in each other's company as it used to be.

So that's why you've been watching Netflix for the last few hours, without the usual back and forth commentary from the two of you. There's also more space between you that there usually is. Shoulders used to brush, knees bump, and sometimes one of you would rest your head against the other, content in the comfortable atmosphere that always surrounded you.

Now you don't touch. Now you sit on opposite sides of the bed, your hands curled around your knees, trying to make yourself even smaller than you already feel.

Karma's question cuts through the silence abruptly.

'So, how was it?'

'How was what?'

'Sex.'

You freeze, still not looking Karma in the eye.

'Well, you've done it, shouldn't you know,' you reply cautiously.

'So? That doesn't mean we've had the same experience.'

You remember that Karma is under the impression that this was your first time.

'It was good.'

'Just good?'

'No, not just good. Why are we talking about this?'

'Because we're best friends and this is what best friends do.'

'Well, I don't know if you if you remember, but we don't fill the regular best friend category,' you say, almost bitterly. You regret your words instantly, glancing over at Karma, who is picking at a loose thread on her duvet.

'I know,' she says quietly. 'I guess I just-,'

'What?' You prompt as she trails off, looking unsure.

'I don't know. It's not a big deal to me at all that you're gay, or whatever. I guess I just never thought about you actually being with a girl.'

'Karma,' you say after a moment, trying not to let your frustration show. 'I told you I was in love with you. What did you think I wanted? To braid each other's hair?'

'Did you want to have sex with me?'

'I don't want to talk about this.'

'Why not.'

'Because,' you try. 'Because it doesn't matter anymore. Because you're with Liam, and I'm-.'

'You're with Reagan,' she finishes. In the back of your mind you register that this is the first time she's said Reagan's name.

'Yes, I am,' you say. 'And she's great, okay? She's really cool and caring. Being with her is easy and it doesn't feel like I have to hate myself every time I look at her.'

Karma hands are clenched now and her jaw is set. You can't believe she's acting like this after everything that's happened.

'You've known her for a few weeks.'

You actually scoff at this.

'Are you kidding me? You kissed Liam five minutes after he acknowledged your existence. And he only did it because he thought you were a lesbian. And now you're trying to make me feel shit because a girl actually likes me? Is that so hard to believe?'

'Amy-,' looks a little ashamed of herself now, but you're too angry to let this go. Everything you've been feeling is trying to break out of your chest and you're tired of fighting to keep it in.

'Because she does like me, and I like her. I like when we hang out. I like when we go for coffee or listen to music in her crappy little apartment. I like when she fucks me until I can barely catch my breath, and I like when I wake up on a Saturday morning in her bed.'

Your chest is rising angrily and you realise that at some point you stood up, leaving you towering over Karma.

She looks up at you and makes you see red with five simple words.

'But do you love her?'

There's total silence for ten seconds as neither of you move. It's so quiet you think she must be able to hear your heart about to burst out of your ribcage. You lean down and snatch up your school bag, throwing it over your shoulder before looking her dead in the eye.

'Fuck you, Karma.'

And then you're out the door, barrelling down the stairs and storming out of the house, ignoring Mrs Aschroft's questioning voice.

After what feels like an hour of walking around Austin, refusing to sit still, you feel your phone go off in your pocket.

You notice you have a missed message from Reagan.

Reagan: Hey you, fancy coming over tonight?

You put off replying, instead opening up the new message. It's Karma, of course.

Karma: I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Please come back so we can talk. Please.

You rub your temple in frustration as you flip between the two messages. You grit your teeth, lashing out and kicking at a nearby bench.

Your aim is terrible and you end up with a bruised shin.

Your eyes start to water and you persuade yourself it's because of the bruise already colouring your leg. You wipe angrily at your eyes, before straightening up, taking in a deep lungful of air, and making a decision.

.

Forty minutes later you're gripping the bed post tightly as Reagan's moves between your thighs.

(Karma's message goes ignored.)


End file.
